Culture, Mental Health Blog, Tips, Wellbeing, Wellness

Getting Prepared for R U OK? Day

September 2, 2024

Key points of this article:

• ABC strategy for helping someone struggling: Ask and listen, Build a plan, Connect to help.
• Asking about facts and listening without judgment is crucial when supporting someone.
• Help the person make their own plan, focusing on actionable steps.
• Connect them to professional help when needed, such as EAP or mental health services.
• As a manager, maintain boundaries while offering support and preserving confidentiality.

What to do when someone isn’t OK

It’s hard to know what to do when someone discloses that they are struggling. Most of us want to help but we don’t know where to begin. We can worry that talking about the problem might make it worse; that it’s none of our business; or that we might say the wrong thing.

What makes it so much harder is that everybody is different – so what helps one person might not help another.

The truth is, though, that there are some things that you can reliably do to assist someone who discloses to you that they are struggling or not OK. And luckily the things that help are pretty simple. The Australian Men’s Health Forum (AMHF) have developed a simple ABC strategy to help:

• Ask and listen
• Build a plan
• Connect to help

Ask and Listen

Asking R U OK? and listening to what they say without judgement is the first step to helping someone who might be struggling. Here are some tips to make asking and listening easier:

• Ask about facts: sometimes people having a hard time find it easier to talk about facts rather than feelings, so asking ‘what’s happening’ instead of ‘how are you feeling’ can be a better start to asking about what’s going on.
  • e.g. ‘what’s happening with the kids’ rather than ‘how are you feeling about your parenting’
• Get moving: sitting down to talk face to face over a cuppa works for some people, but not for everybody. You can ask and listen while you do other things – and it can be easier for some people to talk ‘shoulder to shoulder’ rather than face to face. This means doing things together while you talk and listen – like going for a walk, run, or gym session together, or while you’re doing an activity you enjoy, like gaming or fishing.
• Pick your time and place: waiting until someone is calm, and you can talk with them privately, is likely to give you the best results. Most of us will only open up to people we trust, so a small group or one on one gives you the best shot at finding out where someone’s at.
• Be prepared for a brush off: often someone who is doing it tough won’t want to talk right away – but asking and showing you’re available to listen can lay a good foundation. Don’t take it personally, and keep the lines of communication open even when someone says ‘I’m right’.
• Make sure you’re OK to listen: ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’, and ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ are sayings for a reason. You can’t be a good listener if you’re in a bad way yourself. Make sure when you’re asking someone you’re OK yourself.

Build a plan

Sometimes just having someone ask and listen is enough to help someone feel like a burden has been lifted Other times it might be helpful to make a plan with someone about things they can do to help themselves, or what you might be able to do to help out. A lot of people like to find practical solutions to problems, and making a plan can help them feel more in control of the situation. Here are some strategies to help make building a plan helpful:

• Let the dust settle: if you’re trying to make a plan when someone is at a 10/10 level of emotional intensity (screaming, crying, or shut down and unresponsive), it’s unlikely to be a good plan. Do step one – asking and listening – first to let them get what’s bothering them off their chest. Once they’re feeling like the dust has settled a bit, then you can plan.
• It’s their plan: often we have great ideas for how others lives would be better, because we’re the experts in their lives, right? Nope. They are the expert in their life and your role is to help them make a plan that works for them, not for you. If you’ve been through something similar – and you might well have, given that we all have tough times – it’s ok to gently offer what was helpful for you, but be very clear that you respect it might not work for them and that’s OK.
• Offer help but don’t take over: sometimes it can be really tempting to want to ‘fix’ all the broken things in someone’s life. But the best help we can be is to offer our friendship and support, rather than taking over. The reason is that, long term, taking charge of making a plan for how to help themselves will help someone feel like they’re capable, and builds their skills. When you do it for them, they don’t get to build coping skills. Having said all this, there are often some really practical ways you can help out someone who is having a really tough time: things like mowing their lawn, helping out with school/sport drop offs and pickups, being part of a meal train, or setting up a regular time to do something together each week or month. These small, practical things can help a mate more than the big grand gestures or fixing it.
• Focus on actions: a good plan is all about action. If they feel like their mental health is trash, tackling the whole problem at once can feel overwhelming. But, if you can work with them to break it down into simple steps like…
  • book a GP appointment
  • schedule a counselling session
  • have two alcohol free nights a week
  …tackling the problem becomes a whole lot more manageable. And, yep, small actions aren’t going to solve it overnight, but it’s a start to build on.

Connect to help

Sometimes getting it off your chest and having a sounding board to help make a plan is enough to help someone in crisis. But other times some extra help is needed, if you need more information about possible steps we’ve created a list to assist you.

1. Access Foremind or your own workplace employee assistance program (EAP)
2. Explore from a list of recognised organisations that provide specialised support across Australia
3. Book an appointment with their GP to explore getting on a mental health care plan

Remember that if someone feels like they can’t stay safe, and they need immediate support, they can call 000 or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

The last word

Supporting others is something most of us will want to do, but we often don’t know where to start. Keep the ABC framework in mind – ask and listen, build a plan, and connect to help – and you will be well equipped to look after someone you care about who is having a hard time.

Remember it’s not on you to fix or solve it, but even just giving someone a chance to talk to can help a lot. You also need to look after yourself when you are helping other people, so if you want more information on what you should and shouldn’t do as a manager when looking after your team we have created a resource to provide some guidance.

Remember, it’s important to make sure you remember to put your life jacket on first before being able to support those around you, so please remember that you can always book in a counselling session to debrief, and make sure you prioritise time to do things to look after your own mental health.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Louise is the Clinical Director at Foremind, with over a decade of experience in the mental health sector, contributing to well-known Australian organizations like Beyond Blue, Lifeline, Headspace, and LivingWorks.

Louise Thompson Clinical Director

Help is always available

Here are some useful resources for more help – for you and for your team:

• Lifeline – 13 11 14 and https://www.lifeline.org.au/ – offers fee, confidential, 24/7 telephone crisis support and lots of info and resources on their website
• Beyond Blue – https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ – info and support about mental health and suicide prevention
• Heads Up – https://www.headsup.org.au/ – the part of Beyond Blue that is specially developed for mental health in the workplace

This post has discussed challenging topics, which can be confronting for particular readers. If you need support, please feel free to contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000 if you need immediate help to stay safe.

Find out more about how Foremind is making access to mental health mainstream for workers and supporting companies manage their Psychosocial Hazard compliance!

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